The World Of Differnce
by IWillBelieveIt If I CanDreamIt
Summary: Kaito rejects Shinichi by accident in a passing remark to Hakuba, unaware that Shinichi hears him say it. That comment sets of a chain of events that nearly threatens to break them apart forever. Can Kaito realise the detective is in love with him or will he be too late?


**Note/warnings: This does not follow Conan completely. Instead of shrinking Shinichi is on the run as a teen and Kaito isn't kid. Instead his farther is alive and worked undercover to bring his animal organisation down. This story is dark-ish. It may have triggering scenes where he talks about how he sees the world since he came back. **

Hakuba and Shinichi sat in a café for their weekly ritual of talking shop. They'd long since learnt that talking cases over with other detectives often resulted in connections being made, last week had busted open a serial killer case because Hakuba made a remark on case he's worked for Scotland yard while still in England that matched Shinichi's murder exactly.

Only this time they weren't alone in their chats, no, a certain meddlesome magician had barged his way into the conversation and had steered the topic elsewhere, namely the colour of Hakuba's hair, which was a lovely shade of pink.

After twenty minutes of this on-going argument, Shinichi came to the conclusion that Kaito wasn't going let them discuss their usual and got up to pay. Leaving them to their rather heated discussion.

There was time when he had gotten pissed off over the interruption to his routine, but now he found some amusement in watching the level-headed teen lose his shit over Kaito's mischief. With every prank he witnessed, and every witty remark given he couldn't help but feel a sense of gratefulness well up from within. He'd forgotten there was more to life then death and thanks to meeting Kaito he was finally starting to remember. In fact, if it wasn't for Kaito, he doubted he would be here now, still able to find beauty and enjoyment in things. He would have been lost to the darkness that clung to him.

Shaking himself from the rather bleak thought he went back to his self-appointed task of paying the bill. It didn't take him long find the waitresses that served them and settle it, giving her a generous tip for being able to deal with their rowdiness.

Once done he slowly made his way back to their table. Sending out a silent prayer to whoever was listening that the argument would be over, not that he held out much hope of it being answered.

As much as he enjoyed watching the two react, he wasn't really in the mood to deal with negative emotions, even if they were in jest. He'd rather have the annoyance out now so later they could do something fun to take his mind off the latest case. Sibling murders always seemed to hit him the hardest, probably from the fact that the only close friend he'd had for so long was like a sister to him and the idea of ever raising a fist at her was incomprehensible. It didn't help that the victim had a striking resemblance to the Karate champion. Seeing the Ran look alike in a pool of her own blood was going to be nightmare fuel for weeks. So yeah, he really just wanted to spend the day with his friends in relative peace until he could see her again later that night.

As he neared, he found himself pleasantly surprised to see they had finally moved on to another topic, he listened in to see what they were discussing, curious as to what could put such a frustrated look on the person he'd quickly realised only wanted to show smiles. He'd never regretted anything more in his life then in that moment.

"No Hakuba, I will never ever _ever_ date a detective. So take that ridiculous notion and shove it on to some other poor bystander." Ten simple words and he felt his heart shattering beyond repair, the world around him freezing, the sound of cracking grass resounding in his ears.

When he had finally returned to life last year, he'd felt alone and isolated. He couldn't connect to the people he'd left behind. Had outgrown the Shinichi shaped whole they had carved for him in their lives. They had all been waiting for the dare devil, bigger than life genius who always made them gasp in awe or laugh themselves sick. Instead what they got was a corrupted darker version of a teen they had loved. Gone was the carefree juvenile who all wanted to be, replaced by a man who watched the shadows for movements, who hung back and watched with old eyes, speaking of secrets he would never let out. Someone who looked the same and held the name of their friend, but the ideologies and mannerisms were different. It hadn't taken people long to put distance between them, afraid of what he had become, what demons he had brought with him that they couldn't exorcise. Soon the only person left at his side was Ran, everyone else had wiped their hands clean, not sure how to treat him. It was human nature he supposed, to abandoned and fear something they couldn't understand.

Those first few months had been the darkest time of his life, which was odd for him to say. He'd spent the better half of his high school life on the run, hiding from the boogie man while he compiled evidence to lock him away. Risking not just his own life but everyone's else's in this risky game he called justice. And yet he had never felt as alone as he did then when he returned. He'd experienced pain, despair, desperation, a burning hate for those he chased and a deep rooted fear for what the future held, he'd felt all that in the short time he had bene gone, but he'd never felt such an overwhelming hopeless then he did when he looked in his friends eyes as saw no recognition or warmth reflected back. He'd become a stranger, a danger they could sense. They deemed him a ticking time bomb, something to run away from.

He couldn't understand why this was happening, why he was being treated like he was some sort of monster they had to get rid of rather than save, but he let it go. What he had seen and done had changed him and he wasn't going to ask people who had no desire to stay to help him. He'd resigned himself to a life of loneliness, comforted in the fact he still had one person at his side, but knowing she couldn't stay forever. He got it into his head that of people who didn't know him well could see the danger he present himself as then the person closest to him would soon find the proof to back the fear s and leave him also. He just prayed when she finally did see the demon he had become, that all he was was a walking dead man, then she would at least say goodbye.

It was during the time where he waited for her to leave, that he decided to transerfer schools. In the hopes that if he left first then it wouldn't hurt as much. Which worked out about as well you imagined. Upon discovering he was leaving she had thrown a hissy fit any five years old would be proud of and followed after him. Unable to deny her anything he changed his plans to fit her in. Together they moved to Edoka, rented an apartment and enrolled in the local high school. That was where he met Kaito and biproduct Hakuba who he later leaned was working in the robbery department but dabbled in murders when the need arose.

It had been six months since their meeting and consequently the beginning of a better life for both of them.

It was true at the start he hadn't liked Kaito. Would in fact try and avoid him at every available opportunity. He saw too much of himself within the troublemaker, a reminder of what he could have been but never will be. It was like looking in a mirror and seeing all the qualities you loved about yourself being reflected back but knowing they weren't a part of you anymore. That they were gone, and you'd had to adapt and change and sometimes that change wasn't for the better. It was necessary to survive. He'd had to rewrite himself so many times, being tainted by the fear and desperation to save everyone. Having to swallow his heart every time he failed, losing a little bit more of who he was to remain sane until all that was left was the ugly.

When he wasn't seeing himself in the teen, he was being attacked. Prank after prank would fall upon him. Some obscured his vision, others were loud sounds that echoed in his ears, sounding like every weapon going off at once. The worse was when he had water or goo dropped on him from a height. He could suppress the memories with the others but with this and being restrained sent him back, wasn't able to prevent the flash backs to the time he'd been caught and the torture that had taken place as a result. When that happened, he lashed out, mindset returning to the one he had evolved to survive the man hunt. He forgot he was out, that he was safe. He went for Kaito's throat, pulling out a combat knife he'd never shaken the habit of carrying, concealed upon his body as well as a few other tools.

When he'd come back to himself, he found the classroom trashed, Ran standing to the side, keeping everybody back. He looked around in a sort of daze, noting that all the tables and chares near him were overturned and thrown across the room, snips of memories flying through of what had taken place.

Feeling something shift under him he'd tensed and looked down to see he had the magician pinned beneath him, Knife to his neck. He looked into those fear filled eyes and found a look of understanding and compassion. Shocked at both what he had seen and done, he tore himself away, stumbling back, a slew of apologies tumbling off his lips. Dropping the knife as if it burned before curling up into a ball, shaking.

He listened as Ran and the teacher herded everyone out the door, startling when a warm hand gently touched his knee. A hand too big and too warm to be his best friends.

"Kudo" a soft voice called to him. He flinched at the sound. He didn't deserve such kindness right now. He would fully accept a beating to make up for his colossal error.

"Hey, it's okay. I'm not mad" Kuroba continued to talk, taking his hand away when Shinichi started to shake harder. Instead he kneeled in front of the teen, keeping his distance so the other didn't feel cornered.

"You should be" Kudo whispered into his knees, hands clenching, a sob getting caught in his throat.

"Nah. You weren't in control, your mind was somewhere else, somewhere scary. It's my fault you were sent back there and felt you had to defend yourself. I'm sorry. I shouldn't have bound your wrist before dropping a water balloon on you. I wasn't thinking. I just wanted to make you laugh" Kaito admitted softly, keen eyes reading the minuet change in the body language.

A watery blue eye peaked out from under crossed arms, a messed up fringed coming to frame it. Wide and terrified. Lost on what was happening.

"You didn't fight back" the owner croaked "I could have killed you and yet you never changed your stance. You tried to talk me down" the eye narrowed in suspicion as he thought over what happened. Feeling a dissociation as he replayed his automatic response.

"If I had, it would have provided proof you were under attack to your mind and you would have gotten deeper into the memory" Kaito responded, keeping his body loose and open while the weary eye scanned him.

"Yeah, but most people don't know to do that to someone trapped in a memory. You knew exactly what to say to pull me out" There was an unspoken accusation hidden in the words. A desperate need to understand the mystery before him.

"My father was once asked to go undercover to expose a criminal syndicate. What was meant to be a two-week mission turned into a four-year undercover op. When he came out, he wasn't the same man he was when he went in. He startled easily, was set off with certain sounds and the feeling of metal against his skin. Me and my mother were trained on how to respond in an event that he got triggered. I'd once had it explained to me that even though the people who had hurt him were gone, the acts they did would never leave and remained in the mind like a picture in a book you pulled out to look at. Sometimes though in the quest to look at one picture you come across one you didn't want to and like a picture the feelings associated with it come flooding back. It's the same with sound, smells, taste and touch" He shared quietly; voice low so any nosey listeners wouldn't pick on his words. At the trust shown him in sharing such a personal story Shinichi felt himself relax slightly and open up in return.

Since that day the two of them had a better understanding of each other. Those avoidances turned into him seeking the magician out for silent company. Of learning magic tricks and being taught how to enjoy life again. Laughing genuinely for the first time in what felt like forever. Kaito had given him precious gift, one he would never be able to repay the other for.

It was no surprise then that during the late-night talks and fun filled days that he slowly began to fall in love with resilient teen. The teen who saw the world for more then what it was and tried to change it with one smile at a time. Learning new innovative ways to do his father's once favourite tricks that he could no longer see due to triggers. Reinventing the way magic was, turning impossibilities into possibilities. Advocating people into a new dawn in how they perceived everything around them and the brain itself.

He knew he didn't deserve this beautiful piece of starlight, yet he couldn't help but gravitate to the shining soul. He had been content with the way they were. As thick as thieves with no complications of deeper feelings muddying the waters. He'd been happy to dream about the what ifs and could be's but now he didn't have the comfort of that anymore. He couldn't hide from the ugly reality being thrust upon him.

His heart ached for all the he had lost and for what he could now never experience. In response to the heartbreak his eyes strung with tears he could not let fall and a lump that threatened to chock him formed at the back of his throat. Chest tightening like an enormous weight was being pressed against it, slowly crushing the life out of him.

Suddenly time sped up the world around him, colours too bright and shapes too sharp. The sounds of the world crying out deafening him. Slowly he watched as the colours drained away, the colours Kaito had given him. Next went sound, the beautiful melody he had been taught him to hear being sucked away like he was in a vacuum, the hellish sounds of the underworld taking its place. He'd though he would have never had to hear the haunting screams every again, but he was wrong.

He had no doubt that his sense of touch had dulled, and that food had become flavourless. His beautiful, precious gift given him had broken, throwing him back into his world, proving to him that the universe had spoken, he shouldn't dream of what he couldn't have. He was born to this corrupt world and this world he must stay.

It was pitiful how he had lusted after an angel while he was a creature of the dark. But like a demon he was selfish, and he wouldn't give up standing so close to the being he wished he was. Everything felt raw, like he was being stabbed by a thousand burning pokers, searing across his skin, leaving burning blisters in their place, he couldn't stay here anymore but he knew he would come back because he was a glutton for punishment and would never be able to resist the sweet smile that both broke and healed him.

Knowing he had to get out of here lest he break before their eyes, he made his excuses, promising they would reschedule before leaving, taking carefully measured out steps that portrayed the image of someone who was calm and composed, the complete opposite to how he really felt.

Once out of sight however he made a break for it, running as if his life still depended on it. Stopping for nothing and no one, oblivious to the bewildered stares directed at him as he dashed on by. Once he reached his apartment, he wasted no time opening the door and stepping through, locking the door behind him before making his way to his bedroom and flopping onto the bed, burying his face in the pillow to mask his sobs. Heart bleeding for all that it had lost.

After a few hours of crying he left his room to relocate to the living room, nose bunged up and eyes red and puffy. He lit the fire in the fireplace before curling up on the chair in front of it, just watching the flames as it licked its way up the wood and consumed it. A box of tissues to the side, wiping away the tears as they fell.

He gave himself two days to grieve over the loss of a love that would never be and to get it all out of his system before returning to his life as normal. He had forty-eight hours to cry out all his tears and come to terms with the fact that one of his dreams would never be achieved. To chain up all his love and adoration into a box and lock it away in the deep recesses of his mind, the same technique had applied to his missing days, hopefully it would work better on his love for Kaito then it did those. He didn't think he could live being so close to the temptation unable to act on the urges if he still had the feelings. After two days it would be over and he would have moved on, returning as if nothing had happened. Pretending as if his whole world hadn't just caved in and destroyed him. Acting like the feelings had never existed in the first place.

Unfortunately, we don't always get what we want, and today was one of those days when things just didn't go right. As Ran arrived home early, breaking his solidarity and wish to be alone. Upon her discovery of him wallowing in self-pity she deemed it a girly day and had gone out and brought all the breakup food, DVDs and tissues she could find before making her way back.

A little later on as they watched Legally blonde, raging as Oliver broke up with Elle, he found himself grateful to her, for not leaving him alone and for letting him have someone to talk to. It turned out it was exactly what they both needed, for Shinichi to get everything off his chest, to face the demons that had been eating away since he had returned, while it helped Ran face some of her own doubts. She had been so afraid, not knowing where he was or how he was doing and then when he returned to her it was in body only, mind still fighting the war.

People had told her that it was mistake to remain near him, that whatever had happened to him would happen to her also. Her parents had begged ger to stay with them, to let him run off on his own again, but she couldn't. In her mind's eye she still saw the lonely boy she met on the school playground all those years ago. He had gone to fight an enemy he wasn't sure he would comeback from for her, so she would be safe and so her father wouldn't be consumed by the job. She owed it to him, to care for him, to help him come back.

The first month away she had doubted her decision to go with him. She could see he still cared for her, but she just couldn't bridge the gap between them, could only sit back and watch as it expanded, helpless to prevent it. But then one day he smiled, it was small and weak, but he smiled for her. From there he actually started talking to her. Her Shinichi, the big brother who protected her from evils and could still laugh was returned to her. Being able to talk to him about what had happened and what he was going through had strengthen her desire to protect him in turn.

The two opened up to one another about things they had never spoken of before, offering each other support and understanding. At some point during the night Ran had managed to get him to explain what had made this come about.

He told her about Kaito and how he had slowly been falling in love with the magician, how he always looked forward to seeing him and trying to make him smile. The more he talked the better he felt and gave him a better perspective on the situation.

He realised that although Kaito was the centre of his world, he wasn't Kaito's. He came to terms that his feeling was unrequited and that Kaito was happy with his life right now, and Kaito being happy was all that mattered to Shinichi, so although he could take Rans suggestion of confessing so he wouldn't be left with feelings of regret he chose not to, he'd rather Kaito be happy then mess with his life by confusing things un-necessarily.

Two days went by in a flash and he was called into consult on a case. Thus, kick starting his return to the norm, leaving behind the feelings he had for the other. Or well that was the plan, turns out falling in love is much easier then falling out of it.

No matter how many he times he repeated the mantra '_We're just friends'_ or willed his heart to stop fluttering. Kaito always manged to extract every little reaction he was desperately trying to hide, and the worst part was, Kaito wasn't even aware he was doing it. He was just being his naturally kind fun-loving self and Shinichi couldn't help the love smitten smiles that would grace his face every time he had the angel's attention. Nor could he stop the sickening jealousy that rose every time it was taken away from him

He lasted a week before breaking down. For the first time in his life being incapable of fulfilling his plan. This sense of failure, of being weak and unable to control his emotions left him feeling vulnerable and unlike himself. When he'd come back, he'd been a stranger to those around him, but now, trying to put back the place Kaito had taken had turned him into a stranger to himself. He didn't feel brave or knowledgeable. Didn't feel accomplished. He felt inferior, worthless, unable to do one simple thing and view Kaito as a friend only. This wasn't him; he didn't let a problem dictate his life or back down. He always found a way to succeed, but like he was learning, Kaito was the exception to that rule, and god was he beginning to hate that fact.

"Ran I can't do this, I can't. It hurts so much to be so close yet still be so far away." He cried, sobbing openly for the world to see. He'd reached his breaking point; he couldn't do what ever this was anymore and if crying was the only way he could feel like he wasn't going to drown at any moment then he was going to fucking cry. She could judge him all she liked but he felt like if he bottled anymore of his tears up, then he may turn insane and nobody would want to see that.

Like a true friend Ran didn't blink an eye at the overpour of emotions. She just pulled him into her arms and gave him a tight hug. She just held him while the worst of the tears worked their way out of him. Once they had slowed in their decent and it no longer sounded like he was chocking for breath, she gently manoeuvred him to sit on her bed. Sitting as close as she could, wrapping a consoling arm around his waist while she rested her head on his shoulder.

"Oh, Shinichi, what's happened? I thought things were getting better" She asked gently, passing him a tissue from the box on her bedside.

"I thought I'd be okay. I thought it would get easier, and I'd be able to go back to how things were before, before it got so complicated. But I can't, I've tried and tried but every time I see him, I feel like my heart is being ripped out all over again." He wept into the tissue.

"Today we were meeting for lunch, it was going fine up until he started flirting with the waitress and completely forgot about me" he sobbed, accepting another tissue from her. "I don't know why I can't do this! I brought down a criminal syndicate almost single handedly, yet I can't seem to get my stupid heart to listen to me!" he raged, angry at himself for still being affected by such a thing.

"It takes time for the feelings to pass. You've just got to be patient. Love doesn't exist on a timeline, for each person it will manifest in different ways and the duration can be as short or as long as it chooses." she murmured sympathetically, heart going out to him.

Heartbreak was the worst but for someone who lived their life through the eyes of logic it must be unbearable knowing something yet being unable to reach the result they had calculated. She wished his parents had prepared him for the inevitable, taught him that he couldn't pick and choose what emotions he could have and how long they would affect him for. Maybe then he would have a better understanding of the processes of moving on from someone entailed and that it wasn't as simple as applying a mathematical formula to a problem.

"Its not fair. I was fine until Kaito came along. Everything made sense and I knew where I stood with everything. I hate it. I hate him!" he raged tearfully, the pain in his heart becoming unbearable.

"No you don't" Ran corrected softly "You love him and I think doing so made you a better person, at least regarding your own self-worth" She admitted quietly.

Shinichi gave a bitter laugh "Better? How am I better?! I've been shown a world where people are happy and kind. Who look out for one another and try to make the world a better place. A world I will never be a part of! I may not have been happy with my life before but at least I didn't have the fact there is a better world out there in my face. I'm stuck in a dark blood thirsty universe, fighting against an army of demons. And when I look up instead of seeing a blank sky, I now see his world dangling over me, rubbing my face what I can never have!" he snarled, a manic look entering his eyes.

"I'm so sick and tired of being everyone's saviour and scape goat. Of having to solve other people's problems while they didn't lift a finger to help me with mine. And the one person who held out a hand to me, who saw me and my world and wasn't afraid of what I could do, didn't think how they could use me for their own value and entertainment. The only person who decided I was worth more wasn't actually pulling me from my world, he was building my hopes up until I forgot I didn't belong there, until I felt like I was finally fitting in, that I was understanding people around me and what the word happy really meant. Experiencing the sun beating down on my back for the first time with my ears filled with laughter rather then haunting screams. Saw so much beauty and so many intense colours. Tasted freedom and joy on my tongue, finally understanding that I could have a life, that I could be someone more then just the saviour of the police force. And when I'm finally dreaming of an open sky full of birds, building bonds I never knew I could have. He pulls out the rug from under me. Throws me back into the hell hole I came from with no hesitation, taking back every colour and sound I had come to love. So now I know I can have more, that there is good in a world but just not in mine and hurts. Seeing him the same, unaware that I am looking at him through a mirror. Him soaring through the sky while I'm stuck here on the ground, my wings broken beyond repair, holding on to empty promises and non-existent dreams. Realizing that nobody can save me because I'm not worth saving. So tell me. How is this better?!" he demanded harshly, unable to cope with the stupid belief that loving someone made him better.

"I.. I don't know" she whispered voice cracking. "I'm sorry Shinichi. I didn't know you felt this way. I should have been more attentive, should have pushed you to talk more when I saw you starting to shut down. I should have talked to you, should have warned you about getting to close to Kaito, but I didn't and I'm so sorry for that. If I hadn't been content waiting on the side-lines for you to come to me, you wouldn't be feeling like you do now. Please forgive me" Ran pleaded, tears spilling out from her eyes.

"Hey its okay." He rushed to reassure, feeling wrong footed. It hadn't been his intention to make her feel like it was her responsibility that everything had gone to shit. He'd just wanted her to understand how he felt and her trying to put a positive spin on it wasn't helping.

"None of this is your fault. There is nothing to forgive. It was always going to happen; I suppose it's better I experience heart ache now and learn from it rather then somewhere else down the line where I might not have had the chance remain by their side. At least this way, I haven't made a fool of myself and confessed. I've just… I've just gotta find a way though and this time I will talk to you, I won't shoulder the weight of the world all on my own. I've learnt my lesson. So please stop crying. I may be hurt now but at least I can say I am loved by you. I never meant to make you feel this was your fault or that I didn't love you. I do, it's just…" Shinichi trailed off, lost on how to explain it to her. Growing frustrated when the words escaped him.

"It's a different type of love." She carried on softly, wiping away her tears, a look of understanding dawning "With Kaito it's like you're blind to the ugliness in the world, everything looks bright and perfect but when you're with me you are able to see reality, there's no rose tinted glasses or filtered perception. I do get it Shinichi, it's the same for me. Even though I can see the madness possessing the world I can turn off to it, but when you're in love you forget what reality looks like. You look at the world and instead of seeing it all as a whole, you see a fairy tale, with prince charming and every other sappy character. A world of make believe"

"Yeah, something like that" he murmured giving her a wobbly smile.

Gazing into his haunted eyes, his impassioned outburst repeating itself in her mind she couldn't help but think he was too close to the edge. Really, she only had one suggestion she could offer him. To run away. Normally she wasn't one to condone cowardness, but she could see it was slowly killing him having to deal with his emotions while still seeing the object of his affections regularly. It probably didn't help that the two of them had travelled nearly the whole of Japan during their short friendship. So it wasn't like he could take a walk to clear his head of him. If she knew Shinichi as well as she thinks she does, then he would be bombarded by the memories they created in each place he visited. She knew from first-hand experience that remaining so close to the person who hurt you was more detrimental to the healing process. So really the only option left was to have a clean break. Hopefully he would be susceptible to the advice.

"I think you should get out of town for a while" She told him slowly "I know it's not ideal but that's what I did to get over Yuka, you remember? I went away for the week."

"Yeah, I remember, I thought that was for a Karate championship though?" He said turning to her, confusion marring his features. Fingers worrying the tissue as his mind raced to piece together the new pieces of information with the old, feeling a dull note of satisfaction as his instinct she had been trying to get away from Yuka had been correct

"It was, I originally wasn't going to go but after what happened with Yuka, I decided I needed time to myself and to clear my head, so I went. When I came back the hurt wasn't as pronounced, and I was able to put a little distance between my love for him and my wish to remain as his friend. Moving on isn't the easiest thing to do, but I found the week away helped me put some things into perspective as well as prove to myself that I could be happy and have a fulfilling life without him. She explained, hoping that if she provided the evidence to back up her claim then he may be more open to the suggestion.

A silence descended while he thought over her worlds with a contemplative look on in his face, trying to ignore the worry and hope shining brightly in her eyes. The answer came rather easy to him he was ashamed to admit.

"Well there was that offer to work abroad for a year. I know its longer then you suggested but it is an exciting prospect and could be exactly what I need" he admitted thoughtfully, a vague notion of resignation and hopelessness creeping into his posture. He didn't think going away would solve the problem, no mater how many miles he put between them the result of his heartbreak would remain the same. He would still would have experienced something great that he could never be apart of, but he would try it, for her. And who knows he might regain a little bit of the world he lost by being somewhere knew and meeting more people.

"Sounds like you've already thought about this" She hazard, raising a brow in expectation. Usually it took him more time to come do a decision, to her that sounded like he'd already been thinking about leaving. She wondered how long that plan had been in the works. Had it been before he met Kaito or after? There was a sinking feeling in the pit of her stomach that warned her the answer was probably the former, giving what he had shared with her today.

He nodded mutely. He'd never been one to run away but since returning to a life he no longer fit and then this stupid Kaito fiasco on top, his whole philosophy had been turned upside down and he just needed to get out, the impulse to drop everything and vanish grew more tempting by the day, but he'd tried to stay strong, for Ran, because he didn't think she could cope with him running out on her again, but now he had no choice and Ran bless her golden heart had given him the permission to do so.

"Well if it's what you want then go for it, just remember that I'm always here for you, so if you need me just call and I'll be on the first available flight." She told her sternly, taking the closest hand and giving it a supportive squeeze. The old fear that when he left, he may never come back began to stir but she pushed it back down to the best of her ability. This wasn't about her; this was about Shinichi and getting him stable and working on both his physical and mental health.

"Thanks, Ran, you're the best friend a guy could ask for" he thanked sincerely, giving her a hug. Ignoring how tightly she held him. He got the sense she was afraid this would be last time she saw him, but he didn't say anything, he just sat there, broadcasting every ounce of love his body possessed, trying to comfort her. When she finally let him go, she looked him in the eye and gave him a blinding smile.

"And don't you forget it" she ordered him playfully "Now get going, you have a position you need to apply for" she shooed him, smiling happily at the light laugh he gave. The dread in her heart lessening at the sound.

To nobody's surprise Shinichi was accepted on to the exchange program. When the letter arrived to confirm his acceptance, she couldn't help noticing a little of the tension he carried in his shoulders melting away. Seeing that she let go of any reservation she had about him making a mistake.

In the weeks leading up to his departure, Shinichi began to distance himself from Kaito on his own volition, turning up late to group outings, leaving meet ups early. Taking longer to respond to texts and keeping replies short. No matter how much it tore him up inside to do it, he stayed strong and carried on with the plan, working on the assumption that it would be easier on himself when he left if he kept their interaction limited.

A part of him hoped the troublesome magician would notice, would pick up on what the detective was doing and come talk some sense into him, but as time went on that hope began to dwindle. It appeared Kaito didn't even notice how little they hung out or chatted anymore, indicating a lack of care. Which broke the detective's heart anew.

Then one summers day, at two in the afternoon came that fateful knock on his door. The knock he'd been waiting for, had been longing for was finally here. Answering the door his heart leapt out of his chest and into his throat, there in all his glory stood Kaito, smiling as if it was an everyday occurrence, which sadly it no longer was.

"Hey Shinichi" Kaito greeted, inviting himself in.

"Hey" Shinichi replied feeling a little tongue tied. Despite the fact he had prepared for this moment, rehearsed his lines in the mirror a million times, he found himself blank to all pre-planned speeches. Feeling a little wrong footed he followed the magician into the living room, desperately trying to remember why he wanted to build a rift between them.

"So, why have you been distancing yourself?" The magician asked straight to the point. He'd forgotten how cutthroat and blunt the magician could be.

Kudo swallowed down his fear and looked the magician in the eye, taking deep breath to steady his nerves.

"I got accepted to take part in an exchange program the school is running. I'm trading places with a student from England for the year, it's supposed to only be for a term, but Scotland yard has asked for my expertise, so they have extended it for me. I've been trying to sort things out and to work up the nerve to tell you, but in doing so all I ended up was avoiding you" he admitted, reminding himself that the best lies are built up of truths.

"Aww Shin-Chan you should have just told me, I could have been helping you all this time, so when do you leave?" The magician asked, oblivious to the melt down Shinichi was having.

This was what he'd wanted, wasn't it? Having Kaito notice and believing the lie? So why did he feel like he'd just been sucker punched in the gut? He quickly pushed the thought away to answer the teen's question.

"End of next week" he answered back on automatic.

"We should throw a going away party the night before" Kaito exclaimed excitedly.

"Yeah, that would be nice" he murmured feeling his stomach twist. The last thing he wanted was a party with the way he was feeling, but how could say no when he looked so happy about throwing said party? He ignored the feeling of a knife being shoved in his gut and twisted at the other obvious joy at him leaving and instead focused on the happiness itself and not the reason for it.

He was not successful in the endeavour, being unable to stop the traitorous thoughts filtering through.

Why? Why was he so happy? Had Shinichi been annoying him? Was he the only one he cared about this friendship? If it was the other way around would he react so positively? Probably not, he loved Kaito no matter how much the other didn't and to hear him going away would crush him, he'd want to know why he'd decided to agree to go but Kaito didn't even seem to care, just yammered on about what they should do for the party.

"Hey, you know what we should do? We should make it a costume party!" He beamed bouncing on his seat, excitedly listing off who could come as what and what kinda competitions and games they could hold.

Unbeknown to Shinichi, Kaito wasn't as pleased as he seemed with the news. In fact, it was quite the opposite, but he didn't want to show that, this was a big opportunity for Shinichi, and he wouldn't stand in the way of it. Maintaining a firm grip in his poker face as he rattled off ideas, trying to keep it together.

After a few more minutes of spit balling ideas, Kaito excused himself and left, cracks in his mask beginning to emerge.

Four days before the party was scheduled Kaito found himself once again in front of the Kudo household. He'd gone over with the excuse of finalising the plans, but really he just wanted to spend as much time as he could with the detective before he left. He'd just raised his fist to knock the door when the sound of raised voiced reached his ears. Curious to see what the two friends could be fighting about he dropped his hand and listened in.

"Shinichi, this regret is going to eat away at you for the rest of your life. Look at yourself, you're already swimming in guilt just from lying to him." He heard Ran tell the detective.

"Ran, I can't tell him the real reason for my abrupt leaving. Running away is all I've got left, I'm going to go insane if I stay here any longer." Shinichi argued back.

Ran spoke again "I'm not telling you to stay idiot, I'm telling you to at least talk to Kaito. Even if it's just to say goodbye. Knowing him the moron will chase after you if you ditch the party before it even begins. I can't watch you wallow away into nothing because you regret something later in life, I can't" She told him seriously.

"But Ran, he's happy without me and before you say maybe I misheard him I very much doubt it, he was very clear on not ever dating detectives, there's no point causing more pain for myself by saying something to him about it." He sighed. "Now get going, you're going to be late for your date with Sera"

He heard a few more murmurs and a relieved sigh before he heard footsteps heading his way. He lifted his hand to knock again just as the door opened, revealing Ran, she raised an eyebrow at him, clearly not convinced he had just arrived before walking past him leaving the door open.

Seeing it as invitation to enter he gingerly stepped inside. Tiptoeing in he found Shinichi sat on the sofa with his head in his hands. Unable to be quite he spoke up.

"Is it true?" He asked stepping into the room. "Am I the reason you're leaving?" he asked connecting the dots.

Shinichi released a heavy sigh and turned to look at him, resignation all over his face. "No, what gave you that idea?" he played dumb.

"Don't do that with me Shinichi, I'm not stupid" he denied venomously, making Shinichi wilt in defeat.

"Alright, yes I'm leaving because I fell in love with you. I'm leaving because you can't find it in yourself to love a detective. I'm leaving because it hurts to look at you, to see you smile and know I'm not the reason for it. Hurts to know that while I'd give up everything for you, you'd give up nothing for me. I can't do it anymore Kaito, I just can't. I'm losing who I am, I just…I've got to get away for a little while. Once this is all over, I'll be coming back anyway and when I do, we can go back to the way we were if you want, I promise, just give me time" he begged coming to stand in front of Kaito.

Who in turn just stood there, staring at the detective, silent tears welling in his eyes.

"No" he whispered "No I can't let you go" he repeated, voice a little stronger.

"Why? Why can't you just let me have this!?" the puzzler yelled, loosing what little patience he had left. The past month had been stressful and Kaito wasn't making it easy on him.

"Because I was wrong! I never should have said that, no matter how much the blonde prick annoyed me." He shouted tearfully

"What are you saying?" Shinichi whispered wearily.

"I'm saying that I love you. That I smile for you, that I'd give up everything for you" He cried with nothing but sincerity.

"Really? You really mean that?" he breathed hopefully.

Kaito nodded vigorously, running into the detective's open arms "I really do love you. I'm sorry I ever said what I did to Hakuba and caused you so much hurt because of it" he confessed.

"I love you too" Shinichi confessed awed holding him close, hardly daring to breath lest he discover it was a fragment of his imagination.

He watched as colours bled back into his world, listened as the beautiful harmonious tune that seemed to follow Kaito started back up. However rather then feel contented with what he had been given, he found he was disappointed. The colours weren't as vivid as they had been last time, they appeared to muted, like they had been watered down. They were still pretty mind you; they just didn't hold the shimmer they had once carried.

It was in that moment Shinichi realised that being with Kaito wouldn't fix everything and was strangely relived at that. He hadn't liked the imbalance, of only being able to see the good or the bad of the world. It frightened him that being with someone could alter his whole perception and he worried he would lose what was left of him trying to make it in a world he couldn't see without the eyes of another. He wanted a world where he saw both sides in equal measure, something Kaito wouldn't be able to give him.

He'd thought getting with Kaito would solve all his problems, would put an end to the crushing mount of disappointment. He'd thought that having someone love him as he loved them would cure the self-hate he felt whenever he looked in a mirror, but he had been wrong. Even with Kaito standing at his side now, saying the things he'd always wished to hear, he still felt despair linking its way up his feet, threatening to drag him back down into the dark. The melody Kaito had given him had once drowned out the sounds of the damned but now it seemed it could barely keep up.

He'd once felt safe with Kaito, not needing to watch the shadows or compulsively scan a room for a threat but now he found he still had to do those things. Still felt like he was gone, hiding from every creature that walked the earth. He still felt a low level of safeness with Kaito, but it wasn't enough anymore for him to ignore his paranoid habits. He knew now that those things weren't just going to just go away because Kaito said he loved him. I mean sure the feeling it gave him was nice, but it was a temporary fix at best and distraction at worse.

He decided he didn't want to have to rely on Kaito to paint the world for him. To have to use him to see the better things life threw at him. He wanted to be independent and stand in his own two feet again and look at the world with his own eyes. Sure, the view he had now was horrifying and with Kaito there, there was a little sparkle to brighten it up but that wasn't of his own will, that was Kaito projecting his own world on to him.

For him to be okay. To be able to be happy in the relationship and know they were on an equal footing. He'd have to make his own way, to find his own salvation and create a beauty only he could see, just like Kaito had.

It didn't mean he wasn't grateful for the gift Kaito had given him, nor did it change the feeling he felt for the teen, but he knew he would never be truly happy if he didn't try and make it on his own first. Build a life for himself before he built one with Kaito.

Gently the detective pushed his magician trying to smile but falling up short "I do love you Kaito and I want to be with you" it was important he started with that, he didn't want another misunderstanding to happen between them.

"I'm sensing a but here" Kaito joked weakly seeing the sad look in his eye.

"But I have to go. I have to find myself, become the person I want to be before I can even consider forming a life with you. I have too much baggage and I want us to work." He carried on softly, eyes pleading for the other to understand.

"But I could help you. You don't have to go through this alone" there was a begging note to his tone now, a lost look being reflected in the eyes he loved so much. Kaito couldn't understand why the detective thought he still had to run away now that the mess had been cleared up.

"I know and I won't be. I won't be gone forever. I will phone and we can chat over Skype or something. I have to do this Kaito. When I thought you didn't return my feelings it almost crushed me. It isn't healthy for me need you to be able to see the good in myself. I'll just end up hurting both of us if I stay and not address my mental health."

"But you can address them here. We have therapists who are trained right here in Japan to help you process what you went through. Why do you have to fly thousands of miles away to do that!?" Kaito demanded, suddenly angry with Shinichi. To him it sounded like Shinichi was making excuses, like he didn't want them to be a thing anymore. He began to doubt the detective's credibility in identifying his own feelings.

"I know if I stay here, I won't give it all I've got. When you're with me, I feel a little better, like I could take on another organisation and still come out of it happy. I know if I stay and I'm around you, then I will misunderstand what you make me feel as me actually making progress of being my own person again" he tried to explain, finding it difficult to put it into words with it sounding like he thought Kaito was bad for him. He didn't think that of course but it would be very easy for the other to look at it that way.

"But I want you to stay." Kaito whispered voice cracking, the fight leaving him. He didn't want Shinichi to be alone when he was in his darkest time, he knew how difficult it had been for his father and he had been surrounded by people who loved him, he couldn't imagine not having anyone around would affect Shinichi, but he could understand what he was trying to say and the last thing he wanted to do was set Shinichi back.

"I know. But this is what's best for me, for us. It's only for a year. Once I come back, we will be together and stronger for it. I need to do this Kaito. Please" If Kaito said no now, he didn't know what he would do. He doubted he'd have the strength or the motivation to go and would try and fool himself into thinking he could do the work of therapist himself. He didn't want to do that, he wanted to be the kind of person Kaito deserved to have at his side. To be more then just a pile of negativity and fears and he felt getting away would do that for him, give him the foundation to start building the Shinichi he wanted to be.

"Okay." Kaito sighed, shoulders slumping slightly before he squared them up and looked the detective in the eye. A look of seriousness not usually found upon him being chiselled onto his face. "Promise to Skype me every day and that you will work on getting better so we can be together. I don't like this, but I will support you. I don't want to hold you back Shinichi. You mean the world to me and if going off on your own will prove that you are capable of looking after yourself then I will stand by you."

Overwhelmed his emotions Shinichi surged forward and kissed Kaito for the first time. With the kiss he conveyed everything he felt in that moment. Telling Kaito things he wouldn't have the courage nor the words to otherwise.

The remaining week he spent it solely in Kaito's company. Soaking up every affectionate touch and memorising every loving word, knowing he would need it if he was to survive a year without him. When the time came for Shinichi to depart, Kaito saw him off, holding him close, afraid that this may be the last time he will get to hold him. When his flight was called, he reluctantly let the shorter male go, watching him go with a sense of pride as his lover went off to face his demons. Counting down the seconds until he was in his arms again.

A year later Shinichi returned to Japan. During his time abroad he had undergone therapy for those returning from long term assignments. Something he had refused in Japan's thinking he had been too proud. But after getting with Kaito and releasing how detrimental it was to neglect his mental health he began to take the sessions seriously and had made some steady progress.

He wasn't at a hundred percent yet. He was still triggered by certain things. Was quick to lay blame upon himself. Had a tendency to think the worst of things, but he was trying. Making an effort to see the world as a better place and the people in it. Rather than looking out and seeing a massacre waiting to happen, he began to notice a paradise waiting to be built.

He would never be the Shinichi he had been before he left. That teen had died out on the battlefield. It was a bitter pill to swallow, having to accept the fact he would never get his innocents back. But despite that he had moved on. He could finally say with certainty that he was little happier in himself and his outlook on the world.

He still had his bad days. Days where he was discontent and lost all hope. Days where he was so angry at everything around him that he lashed out like a wounded animal. Lost in idea he was on the run from an unknown enemy. But those days we're becoming less now, especially now that he was with Kaito. He hadn't stopped seeing a therapist, he retuned every week for an hour session sometimes a little longer, depending on what he'd had to deal with leading up to appointment. He knew he wasn't at the stage where he could go out on his own and handled the darkness that snuck up on him, but he was in a better place then he had been in a long time and he felt that was enough of a reason to return to Kaito's side.

On his adventure to be bringing himself back he realised that even though Kaito may not be the cure to all his transgressions, he was worth fighting his demons for. Love may not be the answer to everything, it may not cure you of your depression, but it felt damn nice when someone said those three words. The road ahead of him wouldn't be easy, it would be filled with potholes and falling rocks but Kaito was the perfect motivating factor to being himself again and honestly facing his own personal hell was worth the smile he would get at the end of it all.

It was funny. If it hadn't been for the misunderstanding, he doubted he would have had the strength to realise he needed help and without that, his and Kaito's relationship wouldn't be thriving the way it was. It just goes to show, sometimes things have to get ugly before they can be pretty again.


End file.
